I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize