today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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