We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
