I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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