That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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