i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
