even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize