Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
