ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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