My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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