found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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