All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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