So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
