We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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