im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
