For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize