i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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