Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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