She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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