I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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