dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
