We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
