I'm gonna have a badass scar
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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