my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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