He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
