I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
