I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
