trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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