I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize