Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
