Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
