I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize