If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
