he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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