Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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