I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
