Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
