i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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