Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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