I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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