dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
