im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize