Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Is it penis luge time yet?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
