i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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