Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize