It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
