Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
