Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
