just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
