I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
