I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
