birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
