we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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