i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
