Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
