my phone needs a breathalizer
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
