I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
