Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
