I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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