her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
