my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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