She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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